


Magic Show

by bornforwar_archivist, Tali_Sarah



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-14 15:41:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18951070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tali_Sarah/pseuds/Tali_Sarah
Summary: By Tali"When I wave my magic wand."





	Magic Show

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Xena Warrior Princess or Hercules the Legendary Journeys. Please don't sue, you wouldn't get anything out of me, I haven't even finished school yet. The pics are from The official Herc site, you know, Studio USA. I couldn't find any other picture of Widow Twanky. This is an answer to the challenge below.  
> Setting: a magic show   
> \- Guest stars MUST include (but are not limited to): the Widow Twanky, Julius Caesar and/or Pompey the Magnus, Aphrodite, and Salmoneus   
> \- Gabrielle gets sawed in half (not REALLY, you understand, it's just magic )   
> \- There is a cow   
> \- The last sentence of the story MUST be this: "And, with that, they cut the cheese."

"It won't fit!" Xena yelled.

"It will if you hold still." Ares was getting rather impatient.

"It's too small." Xena stamped her foot.

"No it isn't, it's the perfect size."

"Ares, you're hurting me!" Xena cried.

"Oh for Zeus sake! Xena, maybe if you laid down?" Ares suggested.

"Might work." Xena agreed.

"Get your hand off of her Ares!" Gabrielle ran into the room and stopped dead when she saw what was happening.

"Go away blondie!"

"Oh. Need any help?" Gabrielle asked rather sheepishly.

"No I think I got it."

"Yes! Finally!" Xena screamed.

"Last time I help you do up a dress Xe." Ares shook his head.

 

# ~@~

The judges sat at a long table waiting for the first magic act to begin. From left to right, Ares God of War, Aphrodite Goddess of Love and The Widow Twanky.

 

# ~@~

The first act was Mystical Caesar and Pompous Pompey. Mystical Caesar came on stage and sat on a stool, Pompous Pompey followed and sat on his lap like a dummy. They then a did a very boring Master/Dummy act. Get your heads out of the gutter people you know what I am talking about.

 

# ~@~

_Judging forms_

Ares God of War   
Score: 0/10   
Reasons/Comments: He nailed my Princess to a cross. Plus everyone knows Brutus is the Dummy, he should have been up there on Caesar's lap.

Aphrodite Goddess of Love   
Score: 1/10   
Reasons/Comments: Look at those hair cuts! Come on so last Solstice. Plus they are wearing skirts, those Roman's don't have the legs for them. I think he did something mean to the Warrior Babe and Bard too, looks like Ares is gonna kill him.

Widow Twanky   
Score: 10/10   
Reasons/Comments: Look at those cute boys! Trying so very hard. They will never rule the world so they may as well feel good about themselves for the effort. Maybe they would like some dance lessons.

 

# ~@~

The next act was Heroic Hercules and Iolaus With Bessie the Cow. "Good evening Ladies, Gentlemen and Evil Half Brothers. Tonight I Heroic Hercules with my Sidekick, uh...I mean assistant Iolaus will make Bessie Talk." Hercules waved his hands a little, made a weird sound and danced around while Iolaus did the Wheel of Fortune thing. "Moo....." Bessie replied. "Ah Iolaus?" "Yes Herc?" "Why isn't she talking?" "She's a cow." Iolaus stated.

 

# ~@~

_Judging forms_

Ares God of War   
Score: 1/10   
Reasons/Comments: He never nailed my Princess to a cross. Plus they looked so stupid. :) The one is for Bessie who I thought did very well next to those losers.

Aphrodite Goddess of Love   
Score: 5/10   
Reasons/Comments: He's my little Brother, I have to give him something. Plus that cow looks good, she has so got the fashion thing down, leather is so in.

Widow Twanky   
Score: 10/10   
Reasons/Comments: Oh Look at those two beautiful men. Yum!

 

# ~@~

"I can't believe Salmoneus managed to talk up into this! The beauty pageant was for the greater good but this........" Gabrielle sulked.

"I don't like it either Gabrielle, but we're doing a favor for a friend." Xena told her best friend, but the truth was she was trying to convince herself as much as Gabrielle.

Gabrielle was lying in a box ready to be sawed in half and Xena was in a skimpy little outfit, not much different to the gold one at the beginning of the pageant Salmoneus had gotten them into last year.

"You can't know how much I appreciate this." Salmoneus told Xena as he entered the room.

"Xena? Xena? I'm the one in the box, All she is doing is waving her arms and wearing a little dress that Ares had to get her into earlier." Gabrielle fumed.

"Exactly. I need her to distract everyone so they don't realize I have no idea what I am doing."

"No idea?" Gabrielle desperately tried to get out of the box.

 

# ~@~

After more then a few dumb, boring, stupid acts it was Xena, Salmoneus and Gab's turn. Gabrielle was wheeled out in her box, Xena doing the sexy look at me thing that magicians assistants do, and Sal came out in all his glory.

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Gods, Goddess's, welcome. Tonight I am going to do something lots of you have wanted to do for years. Saw Gabrielle Bard of Poteidaia in half."

"Hey!" Gabrielle cried.

He pulled out a long saw and looked at it carefully, he then attempted to cut the box in half. It wasn't sharp enough.

"Dam!"

Xena handed him her sword and Gabrielle turned white. That wasn't sharp enough either, dam that Bard ate too much. In the end Ares offered his sword, he was desperate to see this, although he knew it wasn't real. Hopefully his sword was so sharp it would do at least a little damage. The sword cut straight through the wood of the box. Gabrielle screamed a little with surprise. The audience clapped.

"Do you have to put her back together?" Someone cried from the crowd.

They were silenced with a look from Xena.

 

# ~@~

_Judging forms_

Ares God of War   
Score: 100000000/100000000   
Reasons/Comments: Oh I have wanted to see that happen for so long, pity it wasn't real. Xena looks hot in the little dress.

Aphrodite Goddess of Love   
Score: 10/10   
Reasons/Comments: Warrior Babe looks kewl! What a cute little figure that woman has. Oh the look on Gab's face was priceless.

Widow Twanky   
Score: 5/10, ah no wait 10/10   
Reasons/Comments: Ares and Aphrodite are giving me bad looks. I think he has a thing for the woman in the gold. I thing it was the drooling that gave him away.

 

# ~@~

Falafel came on stage to announce the winners.

"Ah third prize it to Heroic Hercules, Iolaus and Bessie the Cow." They came out and took their place on stage while Herc yelled something to Iolaus.

"Moooo..... _Gee, why don't you losers go do something useful?_ Moo...."

"Second place goes to Mystical Caesar and Pompous Pompey." Caesar threatened to crucify them all.

"And first place goes to Xena, Salmoneus and Gabrielle." They came out on stage and took there place.

Herc, Iolaus and Bessie got a small bronze cup, Caesar and Pompey got a small silver cup and Xena, Sal and Gab got a gold cup and a big basket off assorted cheeses.

 

# ~@~

A party was held at The Widow Twanky's place, she was seriously hoping to become the next Mrs Big Brave Demi-God.

The cheese basket had been opened and set out on a table, yet to be touched. Ares was over in a corner trying to crack onto Xena, who in the end got so fed up with him bugging her kissed him and walked away, leaving a very stunned God of War behind. Gabrielle was still in the Box talking to Joxer who had come to see the show. They all gathered around the table and, with that, they cut the cheese."


End file.
